So lose that curly hair
A trip down to the barber's; it'd sort you out a treat
Stop wasting time on what you want other people to eat
And go and sort your hairdo out.

And what a runny flan
Give him half an hour
And he's already burnt the pan
As soon as he's messed up and
I offer to lend a hand
He puts up all his defences

His whole bloody kitchen's a sight
He went for the chip-pan and set it alight
His house's burnt down but he'll be alright
He's just so run-down don't you know
Said he's so rundown don't you know

I heard that once he went out fishing
Tried to catch something for a pie one night
And though his methods were efficient
His bag of catches was a dire sight
Though he was waist-height in the river
With homemade bait in the form of a muffin
The water just could not deliver
Meanwhile his base was burning in the oven, burning in the oven; s'posed to

Turn off the cooker when the top turns brown
So turn off the cooker when the top turns brown
Just turn off the cooker when the top turns brown
Do you hear?
Do you hear?

His catch of fishes didn't weigh 'owt
And so his food looked quite incongruous
And though he went to fetch the mayo
He dropped and spilt it; it was too much fuss
And so he had to throw the peas in
Kissing his minimalist dish goodbye
And though the dish turned out appeasing
As a chef he's a pretty lousy guy
He won't stop cooking rubbish though but

Turn off the cooker when the top turns brown
So turn off the cooker when the top turns brown
Just turn off the cooker when the top turns brown
Do you hear?
Do you hear?

What a runny flan
His cooking went to pot and
His whole job went down the pan
He says he'll salvage any credibility he can
I think he hasn't got a hope...