Bono is onstage clapping slowly and sonorously declaring.....
'Every time I clap (pause) my hands (pause) a child dies in Africa.'
At which point an unusually intelligent person in the audience shouts 'Well, stop f**king clapping, you idiot!!'

It's Christmas time, and U2 have lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They get together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono notices that The Edge is looking a bit peaky.
'What's the matter The Edge?' he says.
'Ah look it's nothing Bono' says the guitarist, 'It's just - you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something, it might be some kind of flu, I'm feeling pretty bad.'
'Well, The Edge,' replies Bono, 'if you want to pull out of the gigs you just say so.'
Edge shakes his head. 'No, no, no way Bono. These gigs are important to me - I've got to think of the children, not my aching guts.'
'That's the spirit The Edge', says Bono, and so that night they take the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd are loving it. For a big climax, because it's for charity, they're going to perform 'Do They Know It's Christmas?', but as they get going on the song Edge suddenly feels very ill indeed, and he turns, drops his guitar and sprints towards the back of the stage. But he doesn't quite make it and he throws up, all over Larry Mullen Jr. and his drumkit.
'Jaysis The Edge!' yells Larry, 'Those are brand new drums! What the hell are you doing?'
Poor Edge is mortified. 'Aw Larry, I - I - I couldn't help myself, I'm so sorry, it's this flu.'
Bono calls a band meeting after the gig. 'The Edge, that was disgusting, I don't think you should be playing tomorrow night, you know, you're not well.'
'No, Bono, it won't happen again, honestly, I'm so sorry - and you know, the show must go on.'
So Bono agrees and when the gig kicks off the next night Edge is up there on stage, riffing away. The gig's going really well, no problems, but then as 'Do They Know It's Christmas' starts Edge begins to feel sick. He desperately tries to hold it down but it's no good, and makes a dash for the side of the stage, only getting as far as Adam Clayton, who he vomits over. Copiously.
'Me best leather waistcoat!' howls Adam Clayton, 'The Edge you're more beast than man!'
Edge is white as a sheet. 'Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, I couldn't be more sorry.'
Bono is furious after the gig. 'The Edge you've gone too far this time, you've ruined another gig. I've just been on the phone to Sting, he can fill in tomorrow, you've got to rest up.'
Edge is almost in tears, 'Please Bono no, this gig means so much to me, I know I've got it all out my system now, I'll be great tomorrow I promise, you have to let me play.'
'OK The Edge one last chance, but if there's any more antics like the last two nights then that's it, the end, you're out of U2.'
The next day Edge takes lots of vitamins and he's feeling fine. The gig starts and it's amazing, the best U2 gig ever, even 'Discotheque' sounds alright. Bono's really pleased, Edge is happy. They start 'Do They Know It's Christmas' and Bono moves over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his buddy and realy belt the tune out. Suddenly Edge doesn't feel too good. His face is contorting, he's struggling like mad but it's no use - he turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacks up an enormous greenie right in Bono's face.
The song stops. Edge is paralysed with horror - 'Bono I can explain, I'm truly sorry, you can't believe how sorry I am.'
Bono wipes the snot off, turns to Edge, and says
'Well, tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of spew.'

Q: How come U2 still hasn't found what they're looking for?
A: Because the streets have no names.

Q: What kind of lawyers praise U2?
A: Pro Bono lawyers.

Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage?
A: He was too close to The Edge.

When Warren Zevon died, he was surprised to find himself in rock-n-roll heaven. St. Peter was showing him around, introducing him to all the departed rock stars. Visiting a fantastic music studio, he saw Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Mama Cass, etc., etc.
Suddenly, with a flourish, Bono walked into the studio and joined in the jam.
Zevon gasped to St. Peter: 'I didn't know Bono died!'
'Oh no,' replied Peter 'That's God - he just THINKS he's Bono.'