Jokes about The Rolling Stones from the largest music humor site on the web. Check out the index for other performers we have jokes about.
"AUTOPSY; THE LAST HOURS OF.." by Dr. Michael Hunter Today's topic; The Rolling Stones "I don't think the Rolling Stones are going to live much longer. There is extreme advanced age in all of the band members that cannot be explained. One of them could die at any moment, and we need to determine what each individual band member died of as they go. .. The first hit song they had was in 1964, and that was 54 years ago." (Dr. Hunter continues his diagnosis for the rest of the hour.)
A Young Child Having "Rock-and-roll Nightmares" ( Child talking to his mom ) CHILD: "Mommy? I just had a horrible dream." MOM: "A dream? What KIND of dream?" CHILD: "I just dreamed that a 75-year-old was trying to sing to me." MOM: "Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones is a 75-year-old who tries to sing to EVERYONE." CHILD: "That's what I thought. Now how am I going to sleep?" MOM: "Would you like to sleep with ME tonight?" CHILD: "Yes, Mommy, thank you." MOM: "Goodnight, honey." CHILD: "Goodnight, Mommy" (Kisses child on cheek; both go directly to sleep.) ( And everyone lived happily ever after. )
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
(wait for it.........)
.....'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
After every Rolling Stones concert, Mick Jagger used to take a nap, but this is no longer true. The other band members became concerned that he may be "deceased", and they had to cancel their shows.
Did you see that Mick Jagger & Keith Richards were clawed to death by a giant parrot?
It's like killing two Stones with one bird.
Have you seen the new Rolling Stones poster available in stores now? It's nice. It shows the group all together, and printed on the top, in big, red letters, is the message "Don't Let THIS Happen to YOU!"
Mick Jagger has a new best friend, and who it is may surprise you; It's Steve Miller (From The Steve Miller Band). Steve even sings a little of his OWN music for Mick in hopes that his music will keep Mick alive and healthy (Song Title; "Dance, Dance, Dance") .. MY GRANDPA, HE'S NINETY-FIVE / AND HE KEEPS ON DANCING, HE'S STILL ALIVE / MY GRANDMA, SHE'S NINETY-TWO / SHE LOVES TO DANCE AND SING SOME TOO / I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD, IF YOU KEEP ON DANCING, YOU'LL NEVER GROW OLD .. (Hey Steve, nice try, but it ain't going to work. Sorry, guy.)
Q. What did the Rolling Stones sing after walking sideways into a spice rack?
A. Thyme........ is on my side!
Q. What do brown sugar, wild horses and dead flowers all have in common? A. They're all on sticky fingers.
The Rolling Stones aren't as young as they used to be. Rumor has it that they're working on a new album called "Steel Wheelchairs" Tracks include: Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger! Let’s Take A Nap Together I Can’t Get No Circulation It’s Only Dulcolax but I Like It Help Me Up! Gimmie a Tax Shelter Brown Splenda 19th Hip Replacement Limpin' Jack Flash You Can't Always Chew What You Want She’s So Old and Nursing Home Women
The Rolling Stones aren't as young as they used to be.
Rumor has it that they're working on a new album called "Steel Wheelchairs"
Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger!
Let’s Take A Nap Together
I Can’t Get No Circulation
It’s Only Dulcolax but I Like It
Help Me Up!
Gimmie a Tax Shelter
19th Hip Replacement
Limpin' Jack Flash
You Can't Always Chew What You Want
She’s So Old and
Nursing Home Women
The members of The Rolling Stones are all scared of Kenny Rogers. The thing that frightens them the most is Kenny's song "The Gambler". The one verse in particular that bothers them is " . . . and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep." After hearing that verse, they all say to themselves "That can happen."
What are the first two sounds a Rolling Stone hears every morning? "YAAAAWN" and "CRICK!"
What is a "rolling rolling stone?" The Rolling Stones in wheelchairs.
What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A Rolling Stone says 'Hey you, get off of my cloud!'
while a Scotsman says 'Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!'
Why is the music of The Temptations banned in the Rolling Stones recording studio? Because every time the song "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" is played, Mick Jagger has "flashbacks" of his father.
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